Posts tagged with "Personal"

I

I was the child who missed

the bus to save earthworms

from the middle of the street.

Drawn out by dawn dew

they dehydrate on the steaming asphalt

I was the girl who hid

in my sister’s closet

hoping to learn the key to being cool.

She seemed to shine effortlessly.

Each morning she dressed me, lined my eyes,

embarrassed by her older sister.

I was the student suppressed

by chains of my own design.

Self-sabotage seemed safer

than facing failure.

I burned bridges before they could be crossed.

Flares unlit, I refused rescue.

I am the tight-rope walker

balancing this load is a waiting game.

It feels inevitable, the falling.

A safety net of brothers, friends, lovers

their support at the ready.

I walk, wavering above a world I can’t seem to join.

This is the I.O.U.

For the day I find the words

to come back and backspace

this tug-of-war-of mind-of-mood.

If I can type balance, consistency, control

that’s when I can write:

I am the woman victorious,

finally at home in my skin.

-Hannah Gutman

I hate resumes.

Being involved in so many different things in a variety of fields pretty much requires a unique resume for each job application.

  • There’s the strictly business, “I’m applying for a job to pay my bills.”
  • The academic, “Look at the school I’ve had! Teach me more!”
  • The training, “I’ve learned these things from these programs and I know how to do your job so you can take me on as an intern or Hire me right now.”
  • The creative, “I (designed/performed/directed/wrote/created/etc.) at (insert school, company, festival, gallery, magazine, summer camp, etc.) I’M TALENTED I PROMISE. PLEASE DON’T CRUSH MY ARTSY DREAMS.”

Then there’s the resume I need. I still haven’t created the right combination. A master resume I can easily tweak to suit this application or that interview.

Here’s my problem. I’m sending my resume (once I get a new one together) to a web comedy network. I met the main guy at the same job fair that landed me my summer internship and he encouraged me to contact him about becoming an intern. When I finally grew some balls and emailed him yesterday, I was extremely casual, writing with my voice, banter and all. Usually my emails revert to an overly polished, yet stiff dialect of an outdated robot with a glitch, especially when they’re important and I want to be professional and make a good impression. This time I decided to communicate with him the way I did in person. I was relaxed, coming across like an actual human, and I didn’t hesitate before hitting “send.”

About an hour later the regret set in. What if I sounded too unprofessional? I didn’t say much about myself or my skills. Just that I met him and would be interested in becoming an intern if they were still looking. STUPID HANNAH STUPID.

Sometimes I’m wrong.

I got a reply today. He remembered exactly who I was and spoke-wrote in the same sort of “this is a real person” tone. They are still seeking interns and they’re interested in speaking with me! OH JOY OF JOYS!

Then…

"Next step is send me a resume and just a little tidbit about yourself and your interests."

That’s brings me here, to a murky place, somewhere between a Word document and a bottle of vodka. I stare at one of the many outdated or irrelevant CVs and log on to my website. I bought the domain name in September but I never got past picking a layout. Should I buckle down? Get fetal and cry under my blanket? Maybe I’ll just eat a piece of cake and watch Doctor Who.

The real world can wait until the morning.

Scene.
Small cafe
by the wall
standing on the booth
singing along to the radio
serenading me in front of everyone.
I said “enough now, you crazy fool.”
you countered, “I won’t give in to you!”
My hand helped you down and you kept it
"I’ve got a thing for that bucket list of yours."
You grinned and leaned over to plant a kiss
I followed you to the counter to order
"We’ll take a fried Mars bar, sir"
added “careful now, she’s with me!”
You fed me a bite
I kissed the chocolate
from your fingers
Finding love?
Check.

Our love medley outweighed ten elephants.

So last night I got to hang out with some of my friends that I haven’t seen since before break, and it was so much fun. We had a big group hanging out and it was really great and even though everyone was casually drinking I didn’t feel left out and still had a blast. I know it’ll be a while before I can drink again (thanks Vicodin!) and I’m fine with that. The thing that sucks is that the Vicodin made me feel nauseous, so I had to leave in a rush so I wouldn’t get sick. The only person not drinking was the only one who ended up sick last night. Ugh, so annoying.

MY NOSE HURTS SO MUCH. BLARGH.

Sorry, just needed to get that out. Just ten more minutes and I can take more meds and go to sleep.

That moment when True Life becomes real life.

So at some point last semester I was watching a True Life marathon on MTV, and an episode came on entitled “True Life: I’m Allergic to Everything.” This was about six months after my mysterious allergic reactions began. There was a girl in the episode whose symptoms were very similar to my own. She was finally diagnosed and I thought to myself, “I should ask my doctor about that.” At the time I was being tested for everything under the sun. This morning I saw a new allergist that my local allergist had referred me to, and after an appointment that lasted almost three hours, I FINALLY got a working diagnosis, which basically means “This is what we think is wrong, and how we’re going to treat it, but we’re going to keep looking just in case it’s actually something else.” And, of course, it was the same diagnosis as the girl from True Life. Ironic? I think so. My doctor feels that this is the most likely scenario. I’m just happy to have some answers!! I am so thankful for all of my doctors and everyone who has prayed for me during the past year in regards to all of this!

I still smell like camp.

I should probably shower…FIRST SHOWER IN THE APARTMENT!!!

I’m going hiking today!

The trail we’re going on has waterfalls and a place to swim and I’m so excited! I’ve actually missed hiking and being outdoorsy since I’ve been home from camp. But hey, I get to go back on Thursday!!

Camp Update!!

Our first group of campers arrived yesterday afternoon! They are such an amazing group of kids, and I’ve already fallen in love with them!! My cabin is full of adorable girls, and they are just so excited for camp. The first day has been awesome, and every moment I am reminded why I love being a counselor.

Again, WRITE TO ME!!

Hannah Gutman
General Delivery
C/O MAD Camp
Orkney Springs, VA 22845

And in response to my last camp post…

I’ll write you!
-You just made my day!! :DDD
I hope you all are having great summers so far!!

Greetings from CAMP!!!

I have very limited internet access, but I can usually get on at least once a week. BUT…YOU SHOULD WRITE ME LETTERS!

Hannah Gutman
General Delivery
C/O MAD Camp
Orkney Springs, VA 22845

If you give me a return address, I’ll write you back! :)

Today was perfect.

I love spending the day with my girls. Cracker Barrel, shopping, and tanning/pool time = pure happiness.

I still can’t believe that my mom didn’t freak out when I told her I don’t want to go to grad school.

I was worried she’d disown me, because she had always wanted me to be this big academic person. But she asked me last night about what I wanted to do with my life and I just blurted out everything. She was so supportive, and had all sorts of questions and actually seemed interested in helping me figure out a plan. I’m just so relieved that I won’t have to move to a big city all on my own without her blessing. If you know anything about my mother and our relationship, you know this is a huge deal!! I’m so happy. And excited. So yeah.

I have too much going on in my life to worry about you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry if you thought my posts or tweets have been about you. There may have been one slightly concerning you, but I was mostly confused about things I had heard. I deleted it later, because i didnt want to hurt your feelings, so im sorry if it did. I’ve had a lot of family problems and issues with friends from school and everything, so that’s usually what I vent about on here and twitter. I have no problem with you. Honestly, if you were to come to me and ask to start over, with a clean slate, and be friends again and just forget the past I would say yes. In a heartbeat. That probably won’t happen, and I understand that, but there’s no reason that we can’t be civil and acknowledge each other if we run into each other. There’s no reason for you to go out of your way to avoid walking past me. You don’t even have to say hello. I don’t even know if you’ll ever read this, but I needed to get it out. And I doubt you would give me the chance to talk to you in person. So this is me putting myself out there. If you ever want to talk, you know how to reach me. You were too big a part of my life for too long for me to permanently shut that door. Now the ball is in your court.

I honestly love being single!

I’m sure it will wear off at some point, but for now I love beings independent, meeting new people, and just not having that stress in my life anymore. Even great relationships involve time, effort, and stress. Being single just doesn’t! :)

My day is entirely centered around my cat’s nail appointment.

Which is ironic because I don’t remember the last time I got my nails done.